North American Hamsters

Since 2009, Tao Lin has been compiling a number of entries for an encyclopedia on North American Hamsters. Past entries have included: “Unable to Perceive Neutral Thoughts as Neutral Hamster“, ”Non-Eccentric Piano Prodigy Hamster” and Prize-Winning Hamster.” Stay tuned to the Logger in the upcoming months for more hamsters.

Bearded Hamster

Bearded Hamsters are hairy in entirety, not only around the mouth, but—because hamsters’ heads are also their bodies—from a distance will often resemble something like a hovering, faceless beard. Bearded Hamsters are a harmless, docile species, however. Once discriminated for seeming dirty, despite a highly-publicized, government-funded campaign that proved they were 58% cleaner as a species than the average North American hamster (they clean themselves more often, it was shown), Bearded Hamsters are now celebrated and loved internationally for their ability to produce body-size coats of thick, voluminous hair in three to four days.

Hunting tips: Gently place the Bearded Hamster not in a plastic baggie, as one might expect it be recommended, but in a three-gallon fish-tank that has been padded heavily with layers of cotton. The padding will preserve the natural, remarkable softness of the valuable hair’s sensitive follicles.

Cooking tips: After depilation it’s recommended to microwave the Bearded Hamster 90 seconds for the first ounce and 10 seconds for each additional ounce. Serve on a bed of romaine lettuce and shaved fennel.

See more from this series. 

Tao Lin’s website is taolin.info